What’s it like to fall for your favorite author from the same fandom as you? When you both confide in the same five stars, the ones you desperately cling on to feel something.
When his words have moved you. Make you believe that these boys are in love, could be, in this world, in another universe and another one.
When you’re just a foolish boy yourself, not so sure about the rabbit hole you’ll falling into, but it seemed okay. because why not take risks, what could go wrong.
Even though, you’re scraping your knees and it’s getting too dark to see, you could hear his voice and you start to believe he’s guiding you on the way down.
And his reaches for your hand and you think it’s love, and maybe it is. You get the chance to feel his warm embrace, just for a second. And then something starts burning, and you can’t tell if it’s his hand or yours, or maybe you’re both so far deep that you’re suffocating. So you let go of his hand. And he never thinks twice to reach for you again.
it’s cold now, and you miss him. And you could still hear his voice but you don’t know what direction it’s coming from, up or down, behind you, it doesn’t really seem like he wants you to find him anyways.
as days go by, you realize he’s at the top and has been for a while. and because he’s your friend, he drops down rope for you to climb from. And you know what that means, if you get out of here, there’s no turning back. But what’s there to stay for?
You’re a mess, bruises and stains, and they feel like him. And his words that once comforted you start feeling like stab wounds, and your body aches and you just want to go home.
You once believed that maybe when you both get out, it would be hand and hand. You could take a walk together like you had hoped and you really hoped he did, too. Maybe he could’ve walked you home afterwards and tell you that we will have tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.
But you reach the top and he’s no where to be seen.
So what’s it like falling for someone who was never meant to be yours? You can’t seem to pick up his writing like before. A habit that died a while ago. And he’s still your friend, but you feel like a bad friend because what’s a friend if they’re not supportive of everything that you do. The one thing that brought you together, the thing you know he’s good at and he pretends he isn’t even though there was a time that you were so envious that he picks up his own writing so often as he does.
It’s seeing someone write in his anonymous box and say the similar things that you have said in the past, the same things you felt. And him replying “You can’t see it that way.” Like it’s a damn shame that his writing is that charming. And you don’t know if it’s a mockery of what you’ve been through or validation that you weren’t crazy for jumping down that rabbit hole in the first place.
And when you watch things with the five stars and cry to yourself when they make you laugh and smile. Because you realize you attached him to them for a while now. You don’t know when or how, because they’re yours. And it aches when you see them be sweet to each other, rely, care, support, love.
“We do it for love.” They sang at the recent concert you’ve been to as you sobbed your heart out throughout the whole song. Because that’s exactly why you did it, too.
You try not to blame yourself for wanting that kind of love that the five stars share for one another. That you wished maybe that could’ve been you and him. Make it out of the web pages and screens.
It just wasn’t this universe you guess. So, you carry yourself back home, and hope for a new tomorrow.
Falling by Florence + the Machine
— Noah