Blog #002: No Labels, Just Me

25123 @ 6:57AM

CW gender identity, expression, gender dysphoria, euphoria, some thoughts that could be seen as truscum or transmed but I promise you I don’t follow those ideals, this is just my experience as a trans person. everyone has different experiences, please be cautious and take care of yourself first <3, mentions of internalized homophobia, questioning queerness, queer relationships, and hockey and sports LOL AND BAD WRITING AND GRAMMAR AND NOT PROOF READ YUP

This year has been. I don’t know. The other day I tweeted it was a shitty year, but it feels more like a filler even though it also felt like a new beginning.

I got into hockey in December of last year, it was officially my first time dealing with some off-season withdrawals, some cool preseason to exciting new season start especially when it came to watching NHL games.

I was never a sports person, I mean I liked volleyball because of Haikyuu LOL. I think basketball, baseball, and soccer are Decent… especially when I could care less for American football. but I never Actually cared about sports until I was introduced to hockey. Now it’s my main thing.

Besides some concerts, most of my events this year was going to hockey games. Which also meant for me I had the chance to dress up nicely. And yes, maybe at sport events you wanna be comfortable and cozy (especially because of the ice!!) and no one really cares what you look like (unless you’re a prick), I very much like dressing up.

Fem clothes and make up don't make me less of a guy, but I know this year I did not try to look masc at all especially when I was out in public. I am pretty sure I’ve had a few Twitter rants about how I didn’t really care, but I know deep down part of me was avoiding the elephant in the room.

As of right now, I still don’t really know how I feel about it or know what it is. I don’t exactly regret it, because I did like what I wore most of the time. I fashion explored a lot, well nothing too crazy but I’ve been into tank tops lately when before showing my shoulders was a big insecurity of mine.

The outfits didn’t exactly trigger any gender dysphoria. But I did notice the other times I stepped outside and my chest looked flatter than usual, some oversized t-shirt or bottoms, just a look that felt more casual, there was some gender euphoria and I felt like an actual person, like me.

I’ve always been someone who knows what he’s doing. Like stepping outside looking a certain way and knowing I am nowhere near passing. When people misgender me and it stings, but I know what I’m doing. We can sit here and be like, who fucking cares, right? Why do they assume so confidently? Though, I won’t sit here and feel hurt when I know what I looked like, too fem for a transmasc.

I just didn’t really care to acknowledge what I was doing, it didn’t Really hurt so why would I? I had some moments of: maybe I could identify as genderfluid again? or maybe I am more in the non-binary spectrum than I thought. But recently when I look at someone’s transitioning journey online, I always get an itch towards the end, their recent, their now, I get wave of, that could be me, too. It’s still something I want. And some days it feels like heavy weight, but it also feels like hope, too.

I haven’t thought of getting back on T for a while now. I won’t get into it, but I do know it stems from fear. Though this year, one of my lovely friends wrote a fanfic about a trans-character, brought me to tears, I felt seen in such a long time, and it actually got me thinking of getting on it again. (Love you, my little star.)

In the story there was trans joy, queer joy. Boys loving boys. Which brings me to that this year I also tried my best to get over the first boy I probably ever loved. I kinda of have (had?) a lot of internalized homophobia. Idk. I do identify as panromantic, but before him, I couldn’t see myself actually emotionally connecting with a guy. Men in my life have never been a positive impact, and I struggled with a lot of, do I like this guy? or do I want to be him? And male celebrities don’t count because they saved my life in ways not many people understand or get, so heck yeah let’s get them pregnant or have them for dinner (#vore as flirting #i am also demisexual LOLLL)

In October, the heated rivalry trailer dropped and I was extremely excited because hockey boys being gay? Fuck, yes. Count me in. I read Heated Rivalry and The Long Game in a span of like 2-3 days? I was hooked and I will never been the same. I cried so much.

For the past year, maybe even since I broke up with my ex, I have come to my senses that not only am I just a guy, I am a guy who does crave to be in a relationship with a guy. I could be intimate, be emotionally attached. I see myself in boys, and I see myself in boys who love boys. I see myself in fanfiction. I see myself in Shane and Ilya. I see myself in every mlm ship I have ever loved, ever witnessed or read. I would’ve really liked to stay, be in love with the boy who made me realize these things. But crave is one thing, and accepting is another. And there will probably be more boys, and maybe I could love myself as a boy again as well, too.

There is so much queer joy right now because of the show and it makes me so happy. In contrast, it’s terrifying liking a sport where masculinity is not soft or inviting. It’s everything I am not but it’s everything I think I envy to be. I could’ve turned me liking this “masculine” sport into something else, but I did a whole 180. I am protected in my femininity, it’s comfortable and it’s brave because that is what the femininity presented by the women around me have showed me. It’s strength, it’s courage, it’s my shield. I will never fully stray away.

But being masculine with another guy could be soft and inviting. I’ll always need my shield, but I can’t hide behind it forever. Nothing has changed really. I’m just finding myself again after being lost for a while. Doesn’t make me more of a girl, and it doesn’t make me less of a guy. I’m still me, maybe a bit gayer. Definitely on the path of being hopeful again. It’s all I have really. And I guess, I have myself, too.

I love being queer, and I love being trans. There is still time. Another thing I forget I have, too.

This year was proof of that.

Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party by Hayley Williams

— Noah

Blog #001: Untitled

251005 @ 11:27PM

disclaimer: I don’t know how to write, this is probably really bad also not proofread bc everyone I know who would do it for me is probably asleep! This is more like a… uhhhhhhhh I CANT THINK LOL it’s in second person T_T ???? I think,,,, or I planned for my blogs to be for venting but somehow the first one ended up like this…. Anyways >_> en….joy?????? :p

What’s it like to fall for your favorite author from the same fandom as you? When you both confide in the same five stars, the ones you desperately cling on to feel something.

When his words have moved you. Make you believe that these boys are in love, could be, in this world, in another universe and another one.

When you’re just a foolish boy yourself, not so sure about the rabbit hole you’ll falling into, but it seemed okay. because why not take risks, what could go wrong.

Even though, you’re scraping your knees and it’s getting too dark to see, you could hear his voice and you start to believe he’s guiding you on the way down.

And his reaches for your hand and you think it’s love, and maybe it is. You get the chance to feel his warm embrace, just for a second. And then something starts burning, and you can’t tell if it’s his hand or yours, or maybe you’re both so far deep that you’re suffocating. So you let go of his hand. And he never thinks twice to reach for you again.

it’s cold now, and you miss him. And you could still hear his voice but you don’t know what direction it’s coming from, up or down, behind you, it doesn’t really seem like he wants you to find him anyways.

as days go by, you realize he’s at the top and has been for a while. and because he’s your friend, he drops down rope for you to climb from. And you know what that means, if you get out of here, there’s no turning back. But what’s there to stay for?

You’re a mess, bruises and stains, and they feel like him. And his words that once comforted you start feeling like stab wounds, and your body aches and you just want to go home.

You once believed that maybe when you both get out, it would be hand and hand. You could take a walk together like you had hoped and you really hoped he did, too. Maybe he could’ve walked you home afterwards and tell you that we will have tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

But you reach the top and he’s no where to be seen.

So what’s it like falling for someone who was never meant to be yours? You can’t seem to pick up his writing like before. A habit that died a while ago. And he’s still your friend, but you feel like a bad friend because what’s a friend if they’re not supportive of everything that you do. The one thing that brought you together, the thing you know he’s good at and he pretends he isn’t even though there was a time that you were so envious that he picks up his own writing so often as he does.

It’s seeing someone write in his anonymous box and say the similar things that you have said in the past, the same things you felt. And him replying “You can’t see it that way.” Like it’s a damn shame that his writing is that charming. And you don’t know if it’s a mockery of what you’ve been through or validation that you weren’t crazy for jumping down that rabbit hole in the first place.

And when you watch things with the five stars and cry to yourself when they make you laugh and smile. Because you realize you attached him to them for a while now. You don’t know when or how, because they’re yours. And it aches when you see them be sweet to each other, rely, care, support, love.

“We do it for love.” They sang at the recent concert you’ve been to as you sobbed your heart out throughout the whole song. Because that’s exactly why you did it, too.

You try not to blame yourself for wanting that kind of love that the five stars share for one another. That you wished maybe that could’ve been you and him. Make it out of the web pages and screens.

It just wasn’t this universe you guess. So, you carry yourself back home, and hope for a new tomorrow.

Falling by Florence + the Machine

— Noah